half fate, half faith.

im tired. i do not know how long i can stand being in this warzone. this warzone of my mind and my heart. its draining me, and i believe it's hindering me from enjoying life to the fullest. see, it is by enjoying life to the fullest that brings out the best in a person. and as of now, many hours in a day of my life are spent trying to think and rationalize my position, that i become somewhat withdrawn and avoidant of "other activities".

what if the answer is just right in front of me? heck, its always in front of me. i just dont know what i'm waiting for, probably. maybe i've turned into this masochist, letting my own emotions and sorry thoughts suffocate me to death. it pains me to think of my own benefit, of what i will get out of this tangled mess, because i'm thinking, 1. i'm lucky enough to last this long and 2. i'm the one who took this risk in the first place.

it's so easy, when you feel so distant to someone, to think all sorts of horrible things, to make your imagination your bestfriend. it's more convenient to squirm in your seat thinking of PLAN B's in case heartbreaking incidents happen, than to cling onto a rather false sense of security that everything is going to be alright, when in reality you are being stripped of your sanity. it's less dangerous to antagonize than fantasize.

but in the end, both lead to self destruction.

not being able to let go is one of my greatest weaknesses. sometimes its just for that weakness that i am not able to discard something, like even a broken frame or a piece of paper. but i choose not to think that it is only my weakness that keeps me from continuing my relationship with rich. i choose to think that it is actually more than that.

so i go day by day, loving him and worrying about him at the same time. how twisted, how unhealthy, how complicated.

what could a little girl like me do except break down and cry?

i told one of my former bestfriends that there is always that point in a relationship when you think it's gonna last forever. but right now is so not that point. it has passed long ago, even before i flew here up north. but i'm still drenched with his whole 'together forever' promises, though i dont know what to hope nor what to expect.

i chose a path to take. i know i could still revert, but i just go on and rationalize, rationalize, and rationalize. can you blame for not wanting to regret things later on?

see, nothing is worse than not knowing what you want.

maybe life would be simpler if someone made my choices for me. because for real, my heart and my head are two separately vile creatures.

apple.

words are the only things i'm holding on to right now.

i hate this. i hate feeling like this. i feel like a little girl, whom everybody thinks is easy to fool. well, i let myself feel like this, but its only because people keep giving me crap, though i dont deserve it.

i've been keeping myself busy the whole day, cleaning up stuff and helping out in the house, while telling myself to relax and take it easy. there's nothing to worry about, so he says. i wish i could take his word for it, but there's something holding me back. and i cant help but think that he wanted to take me around the mushy field first before whipping out the favor he wanted to ask. what am i, a freakin parent that he has to cajole initially to get what he wants? i felt so sick in the stomach, i still do. i cant help but feel this way. i'm mad, worried. i mean i know what's going on around there, and me knowing how he is, something's bound to happen. a lot of things, actually.

he asked me if i trust him, and i do. but sometimes things just get to him, they tend to influence him, and suddenly commitments are gone with the wind. we've been dealing with this issue for quite a while now, even before the whole tagaytay thing, and especially when we met up in glorietta; it's like an itch that won't go away to him, and that's just effed up.

its kinda embarassing for me because imagine, we're together though separated by thousands of miles, and then one of my best girlfriends tells me that she and rich are talking to each other and finally decide to meet up, with only another guy and another girl. wait actually, she didnt tell me. i asked her casually, after rich told me--er, cajoled me. and she was online the whole time. i'm not trying to insinuate anything, but that just makes me feel so freakin insulted.

i'm about to break off the keys on the laptop right now. i'm fuming. fuming because more of this might come, and i won't be able to take it. i seriously wont. that's how effing fragile i am.

i told him how i felt about it, and its quite clear that i didnt want him to push through with his plan. i dont know how things will turn out, but i hope he's sensitive enough not to mess things up between us.

i love him, i trust him, but once i find out that he's full of it. . .

its so hard. just hard.

for a measly two weeks of not seeing each other, things are already turning sour.

i need to think things through right now...i shouldnt be afraid of anything, but i am. i dont want to cry, i need to stop inflicting pain on myself. tell me i'm insecure, and i'll agree, but for the right reasons. i took this path, didnt i? this risk, this chance, this job. i'll make an extra effort to move on if something bad happens, but that doesnt mean i wouldnt be surprised if i get crap from him.

because truly, the world is an apple.

..haay.

square one

its just a couple of minutes ago that my head stopped spinning from all the things that's been happening. i took a deep breath, and it's back to square one for me.

i'm in san francisco, just got here from the sin city, and my parents confiscated my phone for a day. being a pessimist by nature, i expected it to be like, longer, if not forever. my inbox was the primary target, and it wasnt so much for my relationship that they got mad, it was because i spent "so much money" on overseas text messages, when they told me not to. i had to admit that it scared the shit out of me, that i had to run over the men's cap section in marshalls to hide, replay what just happened in my head, and ask myself, now what?

did i mention that my dad texted rich and told him not to text or call me there anymore? that's supposed to be the end of the story, but..while having breakfast at ihop on a gloomy day, my mom pipes up that rich texted to say his apologies and even wish us well.

so i bowed my head down, resumed eating my blueberry pancakes, and let a little smile peek out of my scowl. i mean, rich wouldnt have done that 14 months ago. i'm so proud of him. teehee. :)

i know the i'm-phone-less-but-not-because-it-was-misplaced-or-stolen feeling. i know it all too well. but now, 10000 miles away, it's so sob-worthy. but, i have my phone back right now, thank goodness. so freakin thankful. i just need a few days to readjust and try not to shudder everytime i lift the flip. haay.


...why do i get the feeling that i'm going to find the motivation that i'm looking for here, in the states? every step that i take (i got a new pair of chucks by the way..hehe), i feel i'm getting closer to what i really want. maybe it's the feeling after you've made an escape, that sense of hope that something new's about to come..and rescue me from this crazy, tangled life of mine. for sure i dont know what's going to happen, but i know it wont be long 'til i look for another escape route.

struggling in the water is easier for me now, than straightening the cord which will be much more painful for me. i've got a lot of choices to make, but right now i'm still a half worn-out refugee. i'll keep running away, 'til i find myself in square one again...just like yesterday.



can't you tell i'm in no mood to say something about the golden gate yet? >_<
i miss you babe. *apir*