half fate, half faith.

im tired. i do not know how long i can stand being in this warzone. this warzone of my mind and my heart. its draining me, and i believe it's hindering me from enjoying life to the fullest. see, it is by enjoying life to the fullest that brings out the best in a person. and as of now, many hours in a day of my life are spent trying to think and rationalize my position, that i become somewhat withdrawn and avoidant of "other activities".

what if the answer is just right in front of me? heck, its always in front of me. i just dont know what i'm waiting for, probably. maybe i've turned into this masochist, letting my own emotions and sorry thoughts suffocate me to death. it pains me to think of my own benefit, of what i will get out of this tangled mess, because i'm thinking, 1. i'm lucky enough to last this long and 2. i'm the one who took this risk in the first place.

it's so easy, when you feel so distant to someone, to think all sorts of horrible things, to make your imagination your bestfriend. it's more convenient to squirm in your seat thinking of PLAN B's in case heartbreaking incidents happen, than to cling onto a rather false sense of security that everything is going to be alright, when in reality you are being stripped of your sanity. it's less dangerous to antagonize than fantasize.

but in the end, both lead to self destruction.

not being able to let go is one of my greatest weaknesses. sometimes its just for that weakness that i am not able to discard something, like even a broken frame or a piece of paper. but i choose not to think that it is only my weakness that keeps me from continuing my relationship with rich. i choose to think that it is actually more than that.

so i go day by day, loving him and worrying about him at the same time. how twisted, how unhealthy, how complicated.

what could a little girl like me do except break down and cry?

i told one of my former bestfriends that there is always that point in a relationship when you think it's gonna last forever. but right now is so not that point. it has passed long ago, even before i flew here up north. but i'm still drenched with his whole 'together forever' promises, though i dont know what to hope nor what to expect.

i chose a path to take. i know i could still revert, but i just go on and rationalize, rationalize, and rationalize. can you blame for not wanting to regret things later on?

see, nothing is worse than not knowing what you want.

maybe life would be simpler if someone made my choices for me. because for real, my heart and my head are two separately vile creatures.