apple.

words are the only things i'm holding on to right now.

i hate this. i hate feeling like this. i feel like a little girl, whom everybody thinks is easy to fool. well, i let myself feel like this, but its only because people keep giving me crap, though i dont deserve it.

i've been keeping myself busy the whole day, cleaning up stuff and helping out in the house, while telling myself to relax and take it easy. there's nothing to worry about, so he says. i wish i could take his word for it, but there's something holding me back. and i cant help but think that he wanted to take me around the mushy field first before whipping out the favor he wanted to ask. what am i, a freakin parent that he has to cajole initially to get what he wants? i felt so sick in the stomach, i still do. i cant help but feel this way. i'm mad, worried. i mean i know what's going on around there, and me knowing how he is, something's bound to happen. a lot of things, actually.

he asked me if i trust him, and i do. but sometimes things just get to him, they tend to influence him, and suddenly commitments are gone with the wind. we've been dealing with this issue for quite a while now, even before the whole tagaytay thing, and especially when we met up in glorietta; it's like an itch that won't go away to him, and that's just effed up.

its kinda embarassing for me because imagine, we're together though separated by thousands of miles, and then one of my best girlfriends tells me that she and rich are talking to each other and finally decide to meet up, with only another guy and another girl. wait actually, she didnt tell me. i asked her casually, after rich told me--er, cajoled me. and she was online the whole time. i'm not trying to insinuate anything, but that just makes me feel so freakin insulted.

i'm about to break off the keys on the laptop right now. i'm fuming. fuming because more of this might come, and i won't be able to take it. i seriously wont. that's how effing fragile i am.

i told him how i felt about it, and its quite clear that i didnt want him to push through with his plan. i dont know how things will turn out, but i hope he's sensitive enough not to mess things up between us.

i love him, i trust him, but once i find out that he's full of it. . .

its so hard. just hard.

for a measly two weeks of not seeing each other, things are already turning sour.

i need to think things through right now...i shouldnt be afraid of anything, but i am. i dont want to cry, i need to stop inflicting pain on myself. tell me i'm insecure, and i'll agree, but for the right reasons. i took this path, didnt i? this risk, this chance, this job. i'll make an extra effort to move on if something bad happens, but that doesnt mean i wouldnt be surprised if i get crap from him.

because truly, the world is an apple.

..haay.