Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul. You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have. Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone. You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

How Is Your Inner Child?

too good?

anyone can think i run a smooth course. peaceful. undisturbed.

..but c'mon, look at that silly smile.

grr-avity

"Gravity"
embrace

Honey, It's been a long time coming
And I can't stop now
Such a long time running
And I can't stop now
Do you hear my heart beating
Can you hear that sound
Cause I can't stop thinking
And I don't look down

And then I looked up at the sun
And I could see
Oh the way that gravity turns for you and me
And then I looked up at the sky and saw the sun
And the way that gravity pulls on everyone, on everyone

Baby, It's been a long time waiting
Such a long, long time
And I can't stop smiling
No I can't stop now
And do you hear my heart beating
Ah can you hear that sound
Cause I can't help crying
And I won't look down

And then I looked up at the sun and I could see
Oh the way that gravity turns on you and me
And then I looked up at the sun and saw the sky
And the way that gravity pulls on you and I, on you and I

Can you hear my heart beating
Can you hear that sound
Cause I can't help crying
And I wont look down

i'm sorry i couldnt sing this to you my baby. i have to learn it pa. hehe. but admit it, you were kilig over the lyrics parin. :D

sibling rivalry

today my brother hit me. i hit him back.

half fate, half faith.

im tired. i do not know how long i can stand being in this warzone. this warzone of my mind and my heart. its draining me, and i believe it's hindering me from enjoying life to the fullest. see, it is by enjoying life to the fullest that brings out the best in a person. and as of now, many hours in a day of my life are spent trying to think and rationalize my position, that i become somewhat withdrawn and avoidant of "other activities".

what if the answer is just right in front of me? heck, its always in front of me. i just dont know what i'm waiting for, probably. maybe i've turned into this masochist, letting my own emotions and sorry thoughts suffocate me to death. it pains me to think of my own benefit, of what i will get out of this tangled mess, because i'm thinking, 1. i'm lucky enough to last this long and 2. i'm the one who took this risk in the first place.

it's so easy, when you feel so distant to someone, to think all sorts of horrible things, to make your imagination your bestfriend. it's more convenient to squirm in your seat thinking of PLAN B's in case heartbreaking incidents happen, than to cling onto a rather false sense of security that everything is going to be alright, when in reality you are being stripped of your sanity. it's less dangerous to antagonize than fantasize.

but in the end, both lead to self destruction.

not being able to let go is one of my greatest weaknesses. sometimes its just for that weakness that i am not able to discard something, like even a broken frame or a piece of paper. but i choose not to think that it is only my weakness that keeps me from continuing my relationship with rich. i choose to think that it is actually more than that.

so i go day by day, loving him and worrying about him at the same time. how twisted, how unhealthy, how complicated.

what could a little girl like me do except break down and cry?

i told one of my former bestfriends that there is always that point in a relationship when you think it's gonna last forever. but right now is so not that point. it has passed long ago, even before i flew here up north. but i'm still drenched with his whole 'together forever' promises, though i dont know what to hope nor what to expect.

i chose a path to take. i know i could still revert, but i just go on and rationalize, rationalize, and rationalize. can you blame for not wanting to regret things later on?

see, nothing is worse than not knowing what you want.

maybe life would be simpler if someone made my choices for me. because for real, my heart and my head are two separately vile creatures.

apple.

words are the only things i'm holding on to right now.

i hate this. i hate feeling like this. i feel like a little girl, whom everybody thinks is easy to fool. well, i let myself feel like this, but its only because people keep giving me crap, though i dont deserve it.

i've been keeping myself busy the whole day, cleaning up stuff and helping out in the house, while telling myself to relax and take it easy. there's nothing to worry about, so he says. i wish i could take his word for it, but there's something holding me back. and i cant help but think that he wanted to take me around the mushy field first before whipping out the favor he wanted to ask. what am i, a freakin parent that he has to cajole initially to get what he wants? i felt so sick in the stomach, i still do. i cant help but feel this way. i'm mad, worried. i mean i know what's going on around there, and me knowing how he is, something's bound to happen. a lot of things, actually.

he asked me if i trust him, and i do. but sometimes things just get to him, they tend to influence him, and suddenly commitments are gone with the wind. we've been dealing with this issue for quite a while now, even before the whole tagaytay thing, and especially when we met up in glorietta; it's like an itch that won't go away to him, and that's just effed up.

its kinda embarassing for me because imagine, we're together though separated by thousands of miles, and then one of my best girlfriends tells me that she and rich are talking to each other and finally decide to meet up, with only another guy and another girl. wait actually, she didnt tell me. i asked her casually, after rich told me--er, cajoled me. and she was online the whole time. i'm not trying to insinuate anything, but that just makes me feel so freakin insulted.

i'm about to break off the keys on the laptop right now. i'm fuming. fuming because more of this might come, and i won't be able to take it. i seriously wont. that's how effing fragile i am.

i told him how i felt about it, and its quite clear that i didnt want him to push through with his plan. i dont know how things will turn out, but i hope he's sensitive enough not to mess things up between us.

i love him, i trust him, but once i find out that he's full of it. . .

its so hard. just hard.

for a measly two weeks of not seeing each other, things are already turning sour.

i need to think things through right now...i shouldnt be afraid of anything, but i am. i dont want to cry, i need to stop inflicting pain on myself. tell me i'm insecure, and i'll agree, but for the right reasons. i took this path, didnt i? this risk, this chance, this job. i'll make an extra effort to move on if something bad happens, but that doesnt mean i wouldnt be surprised if i get crap from him.

because truly, the world is an apple.

..haay.

square one

its just a couple of minutes ago that my head stopped spinning from all the things that's been happening. i took a deep breath, and it's back to square one for me.

i'm in san francisco, just got here from the sin city, and my parents confiscated my phone for a day. being a pessimist by nature, i expected it to be like, longer, if not forever. my inbox was the primary target, and it wasnt so much for my relationship that they got mad, it was because i spent "so much money" on overseas text messages, when they told me not to. i had to admit that it scared the shit out of me, that i had to run over the men's cap section in marshalls to hide, replay what just happened in my head, and ask myself, now what?

did i mention that my dad texted rich and told him not to text or call me there anymore? that's supposed to be the end of the story, but..while having breakfast at ihop on a gloomy day, my mom pipes up that rich texted to say his apologies and even wish us well.

so i bowed my head down, resumed eating my blueberry pancakes, and let a little smile peek out of my scowl. i mean, rich wouldnt have done that 14 months ago. i'm so proud of him. teehee. :)

i know the i'm-phone-less-but-not-because-it-was-misplaced-or-stolen feeling. i know it all too well. but now, 10000 miles away, it's so sob-worthy. but, i have my phone back right now, thank goodness. so freakin thankful. i just need a few days to readjust and try not to shudder everytime i lift the flip. haay.


...why do i get the feeling that i'm going to find the motivation that i'm looking for here, in the states? every step that i take (i got a new pair of chucks by the way..hehe), i feel i'm getting closer to what i really want. maybe it's the feeling after you've made an escape, that sense of hope that something new's about to come..and rescue me from this crazy, tangled life of mine. for sure i dont know what's going to happen, but i know it wont be long 'til i look for another escape route.

struggling in the water is easier for me now, than straightening the cord which will be much more painful for me. i've got a lot of choices to make, but right now i'm still a half worn-out refugee. i'll keep running away, 'til i find myself in square one again...just like yesterday.



can't you tell i'm in no mood to say something about the golden gate yet? >_<
i miss you babe. *apir*

chinese get-ups and the meltdown

it is so hot. i am dying. i am kind of thankful that i do not need to spend summer here, because for real, i'd find myself in the perishable goods section.

went to school today. what a drag. only a few highschool students were there, which means it was easy for marvin to spot me eating a big bar of chocolate (*miiiine!!!*). i took my sweet time in finishing my self test in 106, but still i had 3 hours of free time after that, so i went in the learning center and made kulit to sir kaiser. surprisingly, he didnt get annoyed. then rich texted and i had to make kulit to him this time so he would go to school and rescue me from boredom. apparently, he can only rescue me for a couple of minutes, but that wasn't so bad since i bumped into sarah and got to exchange kuwentos with her. it's still not sinking in that i saw her for the last time today. *sob*

*catches breath* anywaaay..

i "confronted" the people who werent allowed to go to my place in tagaytay the other day. haha. kasi naman, it was really fun eh. a lot of unexpected things happened--rich's car broke down, they had to commute there from alabang, it was so cold during the night, and my mom left me and my friends alone in riviera the next day. the guys nearly broke their backs doing stunts in the swimming pool. so much for chinese get-ups. :)

the heat is killing me. :x
i have to go.

i have three days left!!! *sob*

conrado, you and i have a secret! ;)

last day of classes! i am so freakin relieved. :)

hmm..had a long talk with sam today. wow, i missed that girl. it seems like just yesterday when she started calling me her twin because our emotional structures were so alike. we used to spend our time swooning over orlando bloom and viggo mortensen (*snicker*); but earlier, we were talking about life and love and how things have changed. its great that i got to catch up on things with her, because we really were in the brink of drifting apart. haaayy...it's amazing how time flies so fast. i dont want to leave, but at the same time, i want to leave. it's complicated.

love you sam! *hug*

so anyhooo..tomorrow's banquet night, and the day after that is the highschool grad. i have already turned my closet upside down, looking for something to wear. there's no time to buy a new dress, since my supposedly free time has been filled with medical appointments and goodbye-lunch-meetings with family friends. and i have to make do with what's left in my closet, because i've packed most of my clothes already. so yea..i have to be extra creative with what i have.

*note to self: do not wear annoying black, high-heeled, pointy shoes.

if i could describe myself right now in 2 words, it would be majorly stubborn. i think i have a grave inability to let go and a serious case of sentimentality. its like, i'll listen to what you have to say, but that doesnt mean i'll follow it.

crap. i don't know what i'm saying anymore. i'm messed up right now. i'll write back.

no more classes!!! woot! :)

*gabrielangelo: karla, pahingi ng watermelon
*karlamagno: okay! :D
*gabrielangelo: haha. how random.

*giggle*

shiver

i dreamt of *him* last night.

we kissed under the moonlight, which to me is something that's very significant. initially, i felt good in the dream, no traces of guilt whatsoever. but a few seconds after i woke up, i felt the opposite. first of all, chances of that dream happening in real life are like, nil. as in sobra. right now, the awkwardness is back and he's just so...distant. second, i know dreams are brought about by certain secret longings, so me longing for him despite our seemingly permanent distance..its just so unlikely. diba?

i pay close attention to my dreams. they affect my life one way or another, and vice versa. and wala lang, i just find it really strange that i dreamt of him at this point in time, when it seems that we couldnt be farther apart. it's like he morphed into a different person, someone i never knew, or could never know. so there.

hay naku. i dont want carry on with this subject. it's an endless one, with so many versions, yet an uncertain beginning. i hope to never have those kinds of dreams again.

wait. dinnertime. >_<

see me smile

i had a haircut! my hair's like, short now. i actually don't know why i have some sort of proud attitude toward it, because 2 days ago, the moment i got home from the salon, i was whining endlessly about how much of a disaster it was. i look 2 years younger, which is not what you want to look like when you're 15 years old. sigh.. my hair tends to appear shorter when it's wet, after i take a shower. and before, when i get to school, people keep asking me if i had a haircut, and i keep saying no. there's no doubt i had one now. oh well.

i went to my mom's friend's daughter's (haha) wedding yesterday. aside from the self-consciousness that my haircut inspired, my shoes also caused a certain amount of discomfort. they were high-heeled and pointy-toed, and i had to cross the road with them, walk on slippery marble with them, climb high, fearful staircases with them, and walk to the stage and sing with them. yes, i sang. i sang, in a ballroom filled with 300 people, a song that i had chosen just that afternoon. it was funny and nerve-wracking and weird. i didnt know more than half of the people there, and i didnt move a lot because i was afraid of slipping on the shiny parquet (remember, annoying shoes). but i thought, what the heck, i have two weeks left here in the philippines, these people don't even know my name, and this is probably the first and last time i'll see them. so i smiled and didn't let the cold airconditioning get to me. haha.

ahh..my wedding day..something that i dreamt of since i was a kid. and i wanted it to be centered on the passion and happiness that i experience with my significant other (whoever he may be :)), and not on the white gowns and the heavy makeup and the scented invitations. i mean i dont want to be remembered only for those beautiful red roses or that exquisite italian food. weddings should be remembered for so much more, and it saddens me how people can be as decided to get married and be as decided to divorce, eventually.

but before i start daydreaming about backyard weddings and seashore receptions, i better get my act together and do what i'm supposed to do, which is:

-clean room
-do CAP's
-finish packing
-ignore hair

yes, i am learning to smile amid troublesome days. :)

live and let die

...over the night, i come up with a resolution to end it all, because it is inevitable, necessary; and i expect the whole process to be quick and painless. but in the morning, those clear thoughts turn into vague delusions, like water mixed with sand. the sight of your face, the light of your smile, the electricity of your kiss..makes me wonder why i spent the whole night resolving to do those things in the first place...

i think it is important to note that that thing has been going on like a cycle for more than 2 months now. and honestly, i don't know what to do about it. call me selfish, but too many things have happened between us already, and i quite dont know how to let go of that. thinking of doing that rather terrible action while trying to wholeheartedly fulfill my obligations as a gf leaves me with a great feeling of guilt. whether he has even entertained the idea of cutting ties, i do not know, but from what i observed in our many talks, he's not ready to.

and i'm not either.

what exactly is my problem? am i too weak? too afraid? too stubborn? too possessive? too sentimental? i'm running out of time, and no one else can make this choice for me. i refuse to think too much, because obviously, emotions are involved. strong ones at that. and your argument will be as good as mine.


i'd love for our hands to remain laced forever... and ever, and ever, and ever... :'(


bedtime.

you think valentine's day is overrated? :)

22 paces to go! :)

okay, i'm trying to be optimistic here. i'm trying to set aside the fact that i only have a month to finish those 22 paces. i have to get my life back on track; there is no room for procrastination; i'm taking back what i said about not doing advance work.

..but let me take time to write about what happened today and yesterday. :D

yesterday, was valentine's day..hmm. a heartwarming day (thanksto rich..hehe), but of course, it didnt lessen the pressure of pacework. it's so hard to take ST's now because writing the vocabulary, doing the CAP's, and finishing lab reports keep holding me down. things changed a lot since last schoolyear. anyway, sarah didnt go to school yesterday--bummer--but my group got to bake cookies for hometech. aside from the peanuts in it, i think our chocolate chip cookies were nothing short of irresistible. haha. someone forgot to bring milk, though. :)

there are so many things (i want) to do. and i have to be really careful, because sometimes i find myself planning on how pacework could fit in in my other agenda, instead of how i could fit my other agenda in my pacework. there were times when pacework was erased off altogether.
haaay.. i always think that i can manage, that i can perfectly balance things out. but i still sceam irresponsibility at the end of the day.

..but at least i didnt expect too much out of valentine's day. and yes, i think it is very much overrated.

dinner! ;)

how sweet it is to be loved by you. ♥

sugarcoated

this week has been flooded with numerous activities. i spent last weekend at tina's--can you say fun? :) the absence of liquor wasnt much of a letdown, since i got drunk with hugs and kisses from my baby anyway. :) and so monday, i was drowning in underproduction. i felt too sleepy, too bored, and too good for my paces. haha. we didnt have classes during wednesday for jsc related reasons, which was unfortunate since that was rich's birthday. grr. thursday and friday went by like a breeze, and i can honestly say i have had enough of fruit shakes already. waah! now, let's see if i can get through another weekend unscathed. advance work? don't make me laugh. :)

i better take a bath now. my munchkin's waiting for me. :)